More on selective application of yardsticks as a suitable method of practical data useful to humanoid life on planet earth is evaluated, a paper.

*
Have you heard the one about the scientisimist and the electron microscope?

Good.

It goes something like this.

A scientisimist is walking down his laboratory.

He fires up ol’ Bessie and sticks a sample into the slot.

He’s dotted all his eyes and crossed all his tease, fingers and opposable thumbs, praying to his last laser beam in the jungle that he can get to the 99th decimal place from this State funded hunk o’ junk one more time…

"Come on, Bessie. You can do it, girl…"

"Blasted! 98 decimal places. Why does this always happen to me?! Why won’t they give me more money so I can get a decent electron microscope and finish this brilliant paper so that the only other guy on this planet who can understand it, once he finishes his own identical paper, might care to read it!"

He spends the night checking the machine. Checks it again. Takes it apart. Puts it back together. Checks the outlet. Checks the plug. Reads the manual. Reads it a third time. Calls the manufacturer, the programmer, his doctor, dentist, policeman, fireman, and therapissed too.

"Everything is working perfectly!"

97 days later…

"Blasted! 96 decimal places!"

He passes out and hits his head on the bookshelf.

He eventually comes to…

"What’s this?
The Bible?
Lemme see…
'In the beginning…'"

Slam!

"What a load of baloney."

The End.
*

Pin The Cause On The Ass

This guy has almost all of his merit badges.
In case you can’t make them out, they are:

Celebrate Diversity
Who Would Jesus Bomb
Habitat for Humanity
Jesus “Evolve” Fish (holding a wrench)
Stop the Genocide
Foo Fighters
Make (something – probably “waves”)
Boston Red Sox (probably already on the car)
I forgot what the little red sticker says but I’m certain it was
something like “ban the car.”

I discovered this poor creature on my way to work one morning.
He has it bad, as you can plainly see, and he is not at all happy.
In fact he can't keep it in. He has to tell everybody. I see this
a lot around these parts. So I thought I'd give him a hand...
you know, "down with the struggle" and all that.

If I had the energy to waste on such things, which is to say
if I cared one molecule more than I do now about bumper stickers, I thought it might be fun to place some like these on my car and park next to the guy.
I bet the bombs would fly that day.

So here would be my response:

This bumper sticker never fed a hungry child

My other car is solar but my
chauffer won’t drive it to the Hamptons.

Recycle bumper stickers

What Would a Jihadist Do?

Question protestors

I heart me

Hitler was Hitler

Al Gore says “Sweat” and I say “How hot?”

The Jihadist goes…BOOM!

Can you think of any others?

I Know Your Type

Gather ‘round kids. It’s time for a story about the good ol’ days…before all these new fangled contraptions like the In-ter-net and portable radios.

When I was your age, I worked at the Daily Raccoon. This was way back when it was printed on paper…pressed onto paper actually, using what we called ink and ‘movable type’. Steve Gutenberg* invented this printing method in fourteen ninety-two. But his is another story for another day.

Movable type looked like this:



People called ‘Type-setters’ had the exciting job of packing by hand into wooden racks each letter of each word of each sentence of each paragraph of each column of each page, of every newspaper, one by one by one, on and on and on – truly a labor of love. Had to have been. Please tell me it was.

Because this was so much work, whenever they could, they tried to save pre-packed phrases and even headlines that they could reuse. Just like social programs and mistakes, ‘news’ has an uncanny way of repeating itself.

In the newspaper bidnis we called these pre-made headlines, “Standing Heads”.

Here are a few examples:

Mayor Caught in Kickback Scheme

Shooter a “Good boy, kept to himself.”

Dry Cleaner Accountant Accused of Laundering

Lefty Checks Reason At Door

I still enjoy pre-packaging standing heads whenever I see history about to repeat itself. Actually I can’t help it.

I’ll post them here as they cross my news desk.

***

* Just testing you. Steve Guttenberg was a guy in the 1980's who made a living (for awhile) pretending to be an actor. I could always tell he was acting. He did this well. The other Gutenberg I care for very much.

Oh this is gonna be good…

Thanks Fotosearch!

Self-devoted Scientist Discovers Missing Link

28 April 2007

Dear Reader,

I have a confession to make.

Last night at precisely 11:35pm local time, I snuck out to my car and hit the horn for 3.0 seconds.

I looked up and noticed a light came on in my neighbor’s window.
He mentioned this to me.

This particular horn, I discovered, generates a particular frequency that somehow causes simple electrical connections to 'complete', if you will, in small electronic appliances. I am still researching this phenomenon, and will again tonight at 11:36pm. Will report back.

But that was only something I just happened to notice in addition to this; my original discovery:

Thirty-six days ago, after a long day of unpacking my new electron microscope, I decided to call it a day. My research paper, that hopefully at least one other person on this planet may understand, would just have to wait.
I pulled into my driveway and turned off the engine.
I noticed it was precisely 11:00pm local time.
Reaching for my iPod, I accidentally hit the horn.
(I did not notice if my neighbor’s light came on.)

The next morning the sun rose.

I have repeated this experiment every night since, and it has produced identical results 36 times in a row…so far.

I can only conclude that by our overwhelming numbers, some large portion of my 6 billion plus fellow inhabitants of this planet, own similar horns, and upon striking them at the same time, have caused 100’s of millions of small electrical circuits to likewise 'complete'.

And this in turn has prematurely awakened our life giving, glowing orb who now roars to his lofty perch with furious anger.

I have calculated the odds of this simultaneous ‘event’ and they are simply too staggering to ignore.

I am convinced now that to some degree I have caused more global warming to occur.

What can you do?

You can all do something.

But first, know this: You are just one small part of a very big problem.

More research is needed if there is to be any hope of a cure. And research costs money. So please, jump in your cars, and drive to the nearest participating Starbuck’s and grab a “Stop the Orb's Anger” contribution form and send in your tax deductible donation. In addition to feeling you’ve done something, you will receive a “Stop the Orb's Anger” magnetic auto ribbon to place proudly on your trunk lid.

But please, for our children, and their children, try to hit your horn one less time today.

We can’t do much, be we can at least do something.

***

UPDATE:

MTV is proudly sponsoring an event in which we can all participate:
'Send A Big Message'
All supporters are going to prove they care by uniting around the globe in this one of a kind event.
Please show your support by hitting your horn at precisely 11:36pm EST tonight.